In these first Social Briefings, we've been presenting two questions/thought-starters designed to help you think through whether your current social style is one you'd like to keep or change.
Last time, we asked whether your old social patterns were still working for you, and talked about the fact that we sometimes pick up social habits that made sense for us at a certain point in our lives, but may no longer do so with where we're at now.
Today's question for consideration is this:
Do others see you differently than you see yourself?
Whether your social behaviors are something you developed because of the circumstances of a certain phase of your life, or something that's been ingrained in your DNA since birth, how we think these proclivities are perceived by others, may be a lot different than how they actually are.
Share what's on your mind before basic personal information
Interesting and offbeat
Self-centered, eccentric, inappropriate
Show little attention to your grooming and style
Natural, not concerned with superficialities
Socially unaware, careless
Withhold attention or interest
Cool and confident
Uninterested, rejecting, cold
Listen, but don't add topics to the conversation
Interested, thoughtful
Dull, self-involved
Focus on only one topic
Passionate
Boring, self-absorbed, lacking in curiosity
Deliver a lecture on something you know a lot about
Smart, interesting
Bombastic, boring, self-absorbed
Introduce topics with the goal of convincing others of your way of thinking
Enlightened, smart, passionate
Tedious, draining
Talk about "charged" topics such as salaries or religion
Passionate, interesting
Insensitive, offensive
Dominate the conversation with jokes and humor
Entertaining, lively, funny
Tedious, draining
Focus on your individuality rather than your commonality with others
Interesting, eccentric
Inaccessible, self-involved, socially awkward
Share more than others do
Open, honest, revealing
Burdensome, inappropriate
Share much less than others
In control, mysterious
Closed, uninteresting, cold
Speak more quickly and pause more briefly than others
Interesting, energized
Emotionally draining, alienating
Speak more slowly or pause longer than others
Relaxed, comfortable, thoughtful
Boring, tedious
Speak more loudly
Self-confident, fun, interesting
Bombastic, self-satisfied, offensive
Speak much more than others
Interesting, informative
Self-absorbed, difficult to connect with
Act inflexibly to unexpected events
Determined, appropriately demanding
Needy, entitled, high maintenance
Present yourself as superior to others
Important, impressive
Intimidating, insecure
Present yourself as inferior to others
Modest, endearing
Awkward, lacking confidence
Blame others
Honest, straightforward
Difficult, socially needy, victimized
Focus on negative aspects of a situation
Straightforward, realistic
Unlikable, unpleasant
Make less eye contact than others
Normal, respectful
Rejecting, uninterested, shy, awkward
The key word in these examples is may. Some of these behaviors may in fact work just as you think they do, and be winning in certain situations, with certain people, and in the context of your overall personality.
So too, even if they're not working in the way you think they are, you may not wish to alter them because you feel they're an important expression of your real self.
As the authors of First Impressions put it, the point of this self-examination exercise, then, is simply to "identify gaps between how you think you come across and how others actually perceive you, so you can make changes if you want to and when you want to [emphasis mine]."
It is very commonly the case that your social behaviors do come off differently than you realize — in a way that's at odds with your true personality and desires, and disguise rather than reveal what you're really like. In such cases, it behooves you to tweak those habits so that you present yourself in a more positive and authentic way.
Many of the future Social Briefings we'll put out will help you do just that.
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